The Pride Cycle
Examining a Cycle that Keeps Addicts Tethered to their Shame Cycle
As a biblical counselor, who specializes in addiction counseling, I have helped many men with identifying the shame cycle in their life. With proper humility, it is relatively easy to break free of the bondage of a shame cycle. However, I have identified in some cases, there is a block that keeps some men from reaching the resolutions necessary to overcome sin. This block keeps them from seeking the Lord as the source of their resolution and binds them in a cycle of self-reliance. I have come to term this phenomenon as a Pride Cycle.
A Pride Cycle is a spiritual and psychological phenomenon that has significant implications for personal growth, relationships, and spiritual well-being. While many are familiar with the Shame Cycle, a concept popularized by Patrick Carnes in his book Out of the Shadows, which outlines how shame perpetuates cycles of destructive behavior, the Pride Cycle operates on a different yet equally damaging plane. The main point of this essay is to explore and inform readers about the Pride Cycle, its stages, and its impact on our lives. The Pride Cycle is a mechanism that Satan uses to keep us trapped in a state of spiritual and emotional bondage, preventing us from receiving help from those who are best equipped to assist us.
The Kingdoms of the World and God: Pride vs. Humility
In our previous article, we contrasted the kingdom of the world, which is governed by pride, with the kingdom of God, which is built on humility. Pride, in this context, is not just a sense of self-worth but a defensive mechanism rooted in fear, insecurity, and a deep sense of worthlessness. This pride keeps us from seeking help and admitting our need for God’s intervention in our lives.
The Bible frequently warns against pride and exalts the virtue of humility. In James 4:6, it says, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." This scripture underscores the fundamental difference between the two kingdoms: while the world encourages self-reliance and pride, God calls us to humility and dependence on Him.
The Shame Cycle
To fully understand the Pride Cycle, it's important to first consider the Shame Cycle, which is well-documented in addiction literature. Patrick Carnes' Out of the Shadows details how shame can lead individuals into a vicious cycle of destructive behaviors. The Shame Cycle typically follows this pattern:
Fantasy: The individual fantasizes about a behavior or substance that will provide temporary relief from their emotional pain.
Ritualization: They develop rituals around this behavior or substance, reinforcing its hold on them.
Acting Out: The individual engages in the behavior or substance use, which temporarily alleviates their pain but ultimately deepens their shame.
Shame: The act of indulging in the behavior reinforces their shame, starting the cycle anew.
The Pride Cycle, while different in nature, shares similarities with the Shame Cycle in that it is also a self-perpetuating loop that keeps individuals trapped in their negative behaviors and mindsets. However, the Pride Cycle can be more insidious in its effects because it directly interferes with the individual's ability to seek and accept help.
Anatomy of the Pride Cycle
The Pride Cycle is a destructive psychological and spiritual pattern that is rooted in a deep sense of worthlessness and fear. Ironically, it is this sense of inadequacy that fuels the prideful defensiveness characteristic of the cycle.
The Pride Cycle can be broken down into the following ten stages:
Brokenness The individual begins with a sense of unease, negative thought patterns, and behaviors that cause anxiety and shame. They may attempt to medicate these feelings with various substances or behaviors, such as porn, sex, alcohol, nicotine, exercise, overworking, or other coping mechanisms.
Self-Reliance: Instead of turning to God for help, the individual determines a course of action based on their own resources. This is seen as the "path of least resistance," but it is, in reality, a path that leads to more pain and suffering.
Validation: The individual may reach out to others under the guise of asking for help, but they are really seeking affirmation for their predetermined course of action.
Resistance: When the helper offers constructive criticism or a course of action that does not align with the individual's original plan, the individual feels threatened by the potential for emotional pain that the helper’s advice would bring.
Anxiety: The individual's internal protectors (a concept from Internal Family Systems therapy) begin to sense criticism and potential failure of their predetermined course of action, leading to increased anxiety.
Defensiveness: The individual becomes defensive, wanting others to think well of them while simultaneously resisting the help they sought. Thus, pride prevents them from admitting their need for change.
Bargaining: The individual oscillates between two defensive modes of bargaining: hopelessness ("None of this matters, so why try?") and overconfidence ("I must be right, and the helper must be wrong"). They may also choose one mode and stick with it consistently. The individual will rationalize excuses, often with little to no evidence. They will find fault in the helper as well which reinforces their overconfidence.
Isolation: The individual shuts down emotionally or pushes away the person offering help, perceiving their solution as too risky or painful.
Repeat: The individual's refusal to accept help leads to broken relationships, continued lack of joy and peace, and a perpetuation of sin and shame cycles which starts the whole cycle over again.
It is important to note that the individual within a pride cycle is completely unaware that they are in it. The excuses and reasons behind their actions seem perfectly legitimate to them. It is only when their course of action ends in further sin and broken relationships that they become aware that something is wrong. However, their pride will not make the connection to the pride as the source of error.
The Spiritual and Psychological Implications of the Pride Cycle
The Pride Cycle is a chain of bondage that prevents individuals from breaking free of their sins and unhealthy behaviors. It acts as a wall around the Shame Cycle, reinforcing the negative patterns and making it even harder for individuals to escape. At the heart of the Pride Cycle is a refusal to surrender one's will to God and to admit that we cannot solve our problems on our own.
Jesus' teachings provide a clear antidote to the Pride Cycle. In Matthew 16:24-26, Jesus says, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" This passage emphasizes the need for humility and the relinquishment of self-reliance in favor of trusting God.
Common Hindrances
Several mental phenomena can exacerbate the Pride Cycle, making it even more difficult to break free. These include:
Confirmation Bias: Confirmation bias is the tendency to seek out and interpret information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or desires. In the context of the Pride Cycle, confirmation bias fuels the individual's determination to stick to their own course of action, even when it is leading them down a destructive path. Any information that contradicts their desire to protect themselves is ignored or rationalized away. This can lead to shutting out those who are trying to help, make the person believe they are following God’s will despite the obvious addiction and broken relationships in their life, and can even escalate to open hostility or violence against anyone who threatens the status quo.
Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs. In the Pride Cycle, cognitive dissonance plays a significant role as individuals struggle to reconcile their actions with their belief that they are in control and doing the right thing. The friction between their actions and their values feeds into the Shame Cycle, creating a feedback loop that reinforces both cycles.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a condition where individuals experience intense emotional pain related to perceived or actual rejection. This phenomenon can make the Pride Cycle even more difficult to break, as individuals with RSD are more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may have stronger, more uncontrollable reactions to criticism or perceived failure. This hypersensitivity can exacerbate the defensiveness and resistance to help that are central to the Pride Cycle.
Breaking Free from the Pride Cycle
Breaking free from the Pride Cycle requires humility and a willingness to surrender one's will to God. As Jesus said, "You must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). This means acknowledging that we cannot solve our problems on our own and that we need God's help to overcome our struggles.
Humility is the key to breaking the Pride Cycle. It allows us to admit our weaknesses, accept constructive criticism, and seek help from others without defensiveness. Humility also enables us to trust in God's plan for our lives, rather than relying on our own limited resources.
Practical Steps to Overcome the Pride Cycle
Cultivate Humility: Practice humility by regularly reminding yourself of your need for God and the limitations of your own understanding. Prayer, meditation, and scripture study are effective ways to keep humility at the forefront of your mind.
Seek Genuine Help: When you ask for help, be open to the advice and guidance you receive, even if it is uncomfortable or challenges your preconceived notions. Remember that true help often involves facing difficult truths.
Acknowledge and Address Hindrances: Be aware of confirmation bias, cognitive dissonance, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and how they might be influencing your thoughts and actions. Seek professional counseling or therapy if these phenomena are significantly impacting your life.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who will lovingly hold you accountable and encourage you to stay on the path of humility and spiritual growth.
Regularly Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to reflect on your behavior and attitudes. Are you relying on your own strength, or are you trusting God? Are you seeking affirmation or true help? Regular self-reflection can help you stay vigilant against the Pride Cycle.
Scriptural Reflections on Pride and Humility
Scripture is filled with warnings about the dangers of pride and the importance of humility. Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." This verse highlights the inevitable consequences of pride and serves as a cautionary reminder of the importance of humility.
Similarly, in 1 Peter 5:6, we are told, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." This verse reminds us that true exaltation comes from God, not from our own efforts or prideful actions.
By embracing these scriptural truths and applying them to our lives, we can break free from the Pride Cycle and experience the true joy and peace that come from living in humility and dependence on God.
Conclusion
The Pride Cycle is a destructive psychological and spiritual phenomenon that keeps individuals trapped in negative patterns of behavior and thought. Rooted in a deep sense of worthlessness and fueled by pride, this cycle prevents individuals from seeking and accepting the help they need. However, by cultivating humility, seeking genuine help, and addressing the mental phenomena that exacerbate the cycle, individuals can break free from the Pride Cycle and experience the freedom and peace that come from trusting in God.
As followers of Christ, we are called to surrender our pride and embrace humility, knowing that it is through humility that we find true strength and freedom. By breaking the chains of the Pride Cycle, we can live in alignment with God's will and experience the fullness of life that He intends for us.
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a Pride Cycle—relying on your own strength and resisting the help and guidance of others, only to find yourself in deeper pain and isolation? If so, I invite you to pause and pray, asking God to break the chains of pride and lead you into the freedom that comes from humility.
Dear Heavenly Father, I come before You, recognizing the patterns of pride that have taken hold of my life. I see how I have often relied on my own strength, resisting Your guidance and the help of those You have placed in my life. I acknowledge that this pride has kept me from experiencing the true joy and peace that come from trusting in You fully.
Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness for the times I have allowed pride to rule my heart. I confess that my sense of worthlessness and fear has driven me to seek control, rather than surrendering to Your will. I realize now that true freedom comes not from following my own path, but from humbly walking in Your ways.
Father, I ask that You help me break free from this cycle. Grant me the humility to admit my need for help, the courage to accept constructive criticism, and the wisdom to recognize when I am relying on my own limited resources instead of turning to You. Teach me to trust in Your plan for my life, even when it is difficult or uncomfortable.
Thank You for Your grace and mercy, which are new every morning. Help me to live in humility, knowing that in Your hands, I am safe and secure. Guide me, Lord, as I take up my cross and follow You, laying down my pride and embracing the life of freedom and joy that You have promised. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
Footnotes and Bibliography
Carnes, Patrick. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. 3rd ed., Hazelden Publishing, 2001.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. James 4:6, Proverbs 16:18, 1 Peter 5:6, Matthew 16:24-26.
Confirmation Bias. Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers. Accessed 2024. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/confirmation-bias
Cognitive Dissonance. Verywell Mind, Dotdash Meredith. Accessed 2024. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). ADDitude Magazine. Accessed 2024. https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/
Scripture References
James 4:6 (NIV)
"God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."
Proverbs 16:18 (NIV)
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."
1 Peter 5:6 (NIV)
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
Matthew 16:24-26 (NIV)
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?'"