Undivided Triumph

Starting 2025 to Obtain Undivided Triumph | From Porn Free Millennial

This article is a guest post from Porn Free Millennial, graciously hosted by James Menendez of Creation Awaits. My goal in this article is to inspire momentum in your life if you are struggling with porn. Through this collaboration, Creation Awaits and Porn-Free Millennial hope to enrich your understanding of God’s grace for you and practical tools that you can incorporate in your daily life to break free from this destructive habit. Be sure to read James’ Creation Awaits post on my Porn Free Millennial Substack.

Before we get started, I want you to think about your 2024 and what role porn played in it. What moments were missed or tarnished due to your relationship with porn? How would those experiences be remembered if porn wasn’t there? If it was a whimpering temptation or even an afterthought?

In my life, porn has played a role in undermining moments of meaning and connection for 20+ years. When I look back at key moments and milestones throughout the years, porn seems to darken the memory, an ominous cloud full of rain and lightning, poised to dampen and scar the landscape.

Through 5 years of active and intentional recovery, I have learned that life’s moments matter and our moments are best experienced with an undivided mind and consciousness. When we are stuck in the cycle of porn use, we are by definition living a divided life. We have one foot inside the home of God while have one foot outside of His Kingdom when we watch porn and we dig our hole deeper when we avoid repentance.

This year, join me in the pursuit to live Undivided, leaving the chains of destruction behind to bring heaven to Earth in the pursuit of everlasting salvation.

Divided Destruction: From Rejection to Redemption

I watched porn at the age of 10 before kissing a girl or understanding my own sexuality. What was initially a curiosity, quickly became an addiction. As Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and addiction expert states, “Addiction is any behavior a person finds relief and therefore craves in the short-term, but suffers negative consequences in the long-term and doesn’t give up despite the negative consequences”.

Looking back at that early age, I now understand that I would go to porn regularly when I faced the feeling of rejection. I had a light-bringer in my life, someone who I held in high-regard, who struggled with alcohol. They were never abusive but they were distant at the times where I was seeking validation and acceptance the most in my formative years as a young adult.

When the love and attention was vacant, I can remember resorting to porn to numb my personal pain. Growing up Catholic, I was taught in Catholic school that masturbation and pornography was a mortal sin, which I interpreted as a sin that would be nearly impossible to escape, and I carried this weight of damnation on my shoulders for years. The shame of my actions and the hopelessness of salvation only fueled this vicious cycle. I would have spurts of recovery and sobriety, but they relied on willpower alone.

Throughout my young adulthood going into my marriage at the age of 26, I didn’t quite realize how destructive the long-term consequences of my accumulated short-term actions would be. I thought that marriage would fix my habits and it did for about 6 months or so. When the challenges of marriage arose, I found myself tempted to return to my medication and eventually, I did.

Long story short, there were a handful of rock-bottom moments and many tearful nights of excruciating discoveries of consequences of my selfish actions. Not only was I hurting my relationship with God and my sense of self, I was also attacking the sanctity of my marriage and the self-esteem of my wife.

In 2019, after a weekend of solitude in the mountains after my wife discovered and caught me in the act of watching porn, I started my journey of recovery. I remember binging the Porn Free Radio Podcast and fly-fishing in the beauty of the Colorado mountain landscape. There I had time to contemplate and decide where I wanted my life to go.

At that time, I decided that I needed to make a drastic change in my life and that I needed to break-free from porn. I began Christian based sex-addiction therapy (later learning that I was indeed never addicted to sex, but addicted to the habit of using porn to medicate uncomfortable feelings), I re-established my relationship with Christ through Flatirons Community Church of Colorado (Non-Denominational)/started going to weekly Bible study, and embarked on 1:1/group coaching with the host of Porn Free Radio, Matt Dobschuetz (later joining and still taking part in group recovery with host of the Finding Traction and Pastors on Porn Podcast, Vern Tompke).

Days of recovery turned into months and nearly 2 years of sobriety. I was getting promotions at work, was in the best shape of my life, and was rebuilding trust. Things were getting back on track and my confidence started to turn into overconfidence.

In April 2021, we bought our first house together and moved about 1.5 hours away from our community. Unknowingly, I was leaving behind the support system that was the crucial foundation of this way of living. Like the beginning of my marriage, the rush of excitement and nuance of home ownership naturally prolonged my recovery but eventually, the old habit of medication started to rear its ugly head.

I remember clearly in September 2021 creating my Substack, Porn Free Millennial, with the goal of encouraging others on this journey of recovery. I had giant aspirations to help change lives, all the while, overlooking the destructive seeds beginning to sprout in my own heart.

A week or two after creating my publication, I remember having a relapse that came out of nowhere after seeing something triggering on TV late at night (later observation showed that there was an obvious build-up to this relapse given the lack of the strong community I built in my previous residence), almost like I was possessed. I was so shocked and saddened by this that I decided to hold the secret, making a promise to myself that this would go with me to the grave while also swearing to not look at porn again. And then, not long after the same night, another relapse - and another false promise.

Then, in quite the biblical fashion, a giant storm hit my neighborhood. The howling wind was deafening and wicked. The end result, a giant cottonwood tree from our neighbor’s home laying in our backyard, feet away from our home. If this wasn’t a clear sign of God’s wrath, I don’t know what is. And to make matters worse, I started the year of 2022 going to an international bachelor party where I put myself in a poor position as a married man. While I did not cheat on my wife, I did not place myself in an environment conducive to the teachings of Christ. Upon my return, not only the truth about the bachelor party but also the truth about my relapse a couple months before came out.

This was unbearable for my spouse and it severed the trust that I fought so hard to build. It was completely devastating and soul crushing to realize how much damage I had done to this person I loved and to my relationship with God. Forsaking intimate connection for empty gratification.Replacing love with lust. Instead of drinking the blood of Christ, I gulped down the poisonous medication of porn and the numbing agent of self denial. The shame and the devastation culminated in a complete mental breakdown. I remember realizing the writing on the wall and that my marriage was on the edge of an off-balanced knife, the gash deepening by the day. I remember screaming out “what does it matter?!?!” the words erupting from the deepest, darkest pit inside me to enter the world. I remember feeling desperately hopeless, completely lost, sadly empty. I felt like this was it. There’s no redemption, no return. I failed and I don’t want to go on.

Feeling like I was at my wit’s end, I called the suicide hotline and that calming voice on the other side was surely an angel because they brought me back into the light of the world to reach out a prideless and vulnerable hand for help.

In this moment of being pulled down a roaring river towards a dark fate, and all I could do was reach out. And I did. I remember reaching out and calling to God to save me from this river. Save me from this darkness Lord. And He did. He held me, still wet and shivering, with a warm embrace and saved me from that river.

In 2022, I was able to start rebuilding my self-identity through reconnecting with both individual and couples therapy, finding a local church and Bible study (even getting involved as a greeter), and reestablishing my connection with porn recovery coaching. I worked to claw back my dignity and self-worth while fighting to rebuild trust, with the resolve that no-matter what would happen with my marriage, I would commit myself to being a better man and to honoring God. I was rebuilding momentum and meaning in my life.

Sadly for this story though, while I was working to redeem myself, there was just too much damage done to my relationship. The love-tank was no longer repairable or even serviceable and we came to the mutual decision to separate to end the year of 2022 and our divorce finalized in March 2023. Without going into incredible detail, this process tore into my soul. I remember having multiple relapses from December to February. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life where some days I felt like I was just trying to hang on.

In the midst of this turmoil, I had a significant realization that truly has fueled my journey of redemption. The date was February 14, 2023 - Valentine’s Day. On this day, my grandmother “Saint Ann”, was admitted to the hospital. Her health started to rapidly deteriorate after the death of the love of her life, Jack, in May 2023. Grandma was called Saint Ann because of how she lived her life and how she stayed patient with my Grandpa Jack for 66 years of marriage (I love and miss my Grandpa, he was quite the character). I remember my Aunt Sherry stating that the meanest thing my Grandma ever said to her was “go outside and play” and thinking of my own memories, I cannot find a single time where my Grandma made me feel nothing but loved. To me, my Grandma and Grandpa always provided a safe place for our family accompanied by an amazing, warm meal and stories that you would never tire of hearing. They were great models of people who lived life fully with love and passion.

Valentine’s Day was the date I broke my relapse streak because seeing my Grandma’s full hospital room and her surrounded by her large loving family reminded me of what life is truly about - it’s about love, it’s about sharing that love with others - and with porn in my life, that connection will always be tainted and undermined. This date is when my little brother and I committed to daily check-ins with each other as a method to strengthen each other and hold each other accountable to this noble pursuit of living a better life, a full life - like Grandma Ann. Noah and I still check-in daily and it has been a phenomenal part of our lives.

Two weeks later, Grandma Ann went to heaven and in her wake, I started intentionally looking at my life differently, thinking about what legacy I would want to leave and how I want to be surrounded by a large, loving family when I pass on. This spurred me to radically change my lifestyle post-divorce, deciding to buy an RV and travel the country as well as re-engaging my mission of writing and podcasting to help others who struggle with this destructive habit.

Instead of continuing the cycle of self-destruction, I have set forward to grow as an individual and to build a community of brothers and sisters who also wish to break-free of destruction. To claim redemption instead of practice rejection. To seek introspection and connection instead of isolation and dejection.

This focus has brought many blissful moments to my life and has allowed me to engage deeper into my spiritual health, my relationships, my physical health, and my passions. I have a why, I have a purpose worth fighting for every day.

Starting this new year - find your why and buy into this decision to live differently. Why change? Why take on this challenge? Why live a life without porn?

To me, my Grandmother’s death revealed my why. To me, my purpose is to live my life as my Grandmother did.

To love God. To match my words with my actions. To be patient and kind. To grow a family and a community. To spread love to others and to invite them into my home for a nice warm meal. To share stories. To live, not just exist.

To leave a legacy of redemption and undivided triumph.

Life with Porn: Three Destructive Cycles

Living with porn isn’t just about a single destructive habit, it’s about the ripple effects that permeate every aspect of life. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize three distinct cycles that keep individuals trapped: the Cycle of Shame, the Cycle of Isolation, and the Cycle of Pain. These cycles are interconnected, feeding into one another, and creating a seemingly inescapable loop. Breaking free requires not only awareness but a deliberate effort to replace these cycles with healthier patterns.

1. The Cycle Shame

Shame is often the foundation of addiction to porn. It begins with the act itself, whether it's watching a video or giving in to temptation, immediately followed by feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

Instead of processing this shame, we can internalize it, telling ourselves, "I’m broken," or "I’ll never be good enough for God, my partner, or even myself." This negative self-talk reinforces the belief that change is impossible, leading to more destructive behaviors as a way to cope with the unbearable weight of guilt.

Breaking the Cycle of Shame:

• Acknowledge that shame is not your identity. Shame says, "You are bad," but grace says, "You are loved despite your struggles."

• Replace condemnation with repentance. True repentance is about turning toward God and accepting His forgiveness rather than decaying in self-pity.\

2. The Cycle of Isolation

Shame naturally leads to isolation. When you feel unworthy, it’s easy to withdraw - from your community, your family, and even God. The lie we tell ourselves is, “No one would understand, and if they knew, they’d reject me.”

Isolation provides fertile ground for addiction to grow. Without accountability or connection, the temptation feels overwhelming, and the chances of relapse skyrocket. Over time, isolation becomes a comfort zone - a place where you avoid the discomfort of vulnerability but also cut yourself off from love and support.

Breaking the Cycle of Isolation:

• Find a trusted community or accountability partner. Recovery is not a journey meant to be walked alone.

• Open up to someone about your struggles, no matter how small the first step feels. Vulnerability is the antidote to isolation.

• Engage with God daily, even if you feel unworthy. Prayer and scripture remind you that you’re never truly alone.

3. The Cycle of Pain

Pain often serves as the starting point for porn use, and it remains a constant companion throughout the addiction. Whether it’s emotional pain from rejection, stress from work, or unresolved trauma, porn becomes a numbing agent - a way to escape the discomfort of life.

But like any unhealthy coping mechanism, porn doesn’t heal pain; it intensifies it. The more you use porn, the more you dull your capacity to address the root causes of your hurt. Over time, pain compounds, creating a cycle where the original wound is overshadowed by the new wounds caused by addiction itself.

Breaking the Cycle of Pain:

• Identify the root causes of your pain. Is it rejection, unresolved trauma, or unmet expectations? Seek professional help if needed to address these wounds.

• Replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy ones, such as exercise, journaling, or prayer.

• Lean into the discomfort of healing, trusting that facing your pain will ultimately lead to freedom.

Life Without Porn: Three Restorative Cycles

Breaking free from porn doesn’t just mean stopping a behavior, it means stepping into a new way of life. When you leave porn behind, the space it occupies can be filled with powerful, restorative cycles that transform your mind, heart, and relationships. Here are three cycles that have brought healing and wholeness to my journey: the Cycle of Grace, the Cycle of Connection, and the Cycle of Healing.

1. The Cycle of Grace

Without the weight of shame, life opens up to grace. Grace reminds us that our identity isn’t tied to our mistakes. It begins with forgiveness - first from God and then for yourself. Instead of spiraling into guilt and self-loathing, grace provides the assurance that you are loved, redeemed, and empowered to grow.

Grace also replaces the endless striving of willpower with the humility to lean on God’s strength. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about progress and trusting that God is working in your life, even when you stumble.

Building the Cycle of Grace:

• Start each day or find a moment in your day to practice gratitude and prayer, thanking God for His forgiveness and strength.

• Embrace a mindset of growth rather than perfection, celebrating small victories as steps toward freedom.

• Share your story with others, allowing grace to flow through you and into the lives of those who are struggling.

2. Restored Relationships

When you remove porn, the isolation it creates can be replaced with deep and meaningful relationships. True connection comes from vulnerability, sharing your struggles and joys with trusted people who uplift you.

This cycle begins with accountability. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to live with integrity and who remind you of your worth. Over time, these connections will become a source of strength, joy, and belonging.

Building the Cycle of Connection:

• Prioritize community by joining groups, attending church, or seeking a mentor.

• Create daily habits of meaningful connection - join a Bible study or find a role in your local Church, send check-ins to your accountability partner, establish and maintain healthy friendships, or participate in group activities.

• Practice empathy and presence - listen to others deeply and invest in their lives, creating a cycle of mutual care and support.

3. Closeness with God

Without porn, you can face your pain head-on and begin the process of healing. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, the wounds that once seemed unbearable can transform into scars that tell a story of redemption.

Healing involves addressing the root causes of your struggles whether through therapy, prayer, or reflection. As you heal, you’ll discover that the emotions you once avoided, like sadness or rejection, can be processed and even transformed into wisdom and strength.

Building the Cycle of Healing:

• Identify and confront the sources of pain in your life with courage and honesty.

• Develop healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, creative outlets, or mindfulness practices.

• Remember that healing is a journey, and setbacks are part of the process. Be patient with yourself and trust in God’s timing.

Claiming Your Undivided Triumph in 2025

Stepping into the new year with the intention of breaking free from the destructive cycles of shame, isolation, and pain is not just a resolution - it’s a revolution. It’s a commitment to reclaim your life, your relationships, and your purpose. It’s about stepping into the restorative cycles of grace, connection, and healing, which God offers to each of us when we turn toward Him with open hearts.

As you reflect on this journey ahead, remember that undivided triumph doesn’t mean perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about showing up every day with a willingness to confront the hard truths, lean into the discomfort, and rely on God’s strength when your resilience falters.

I invite you to take three steps as you move forward:

1. Identify Your Why: Reflect on the legacy you want to leave behind and the person you are striving to become. Let this vision inspire your daily choices.

2. Build Your Community: Recovery is not meant to be a solo effort. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, hold you accountable, and remind you of God’s love.

3. Celebrate the Small Victories: Every step forward, no matter how small, is a triumph. Acknowledge and celebrate those wins as evidence of God’s transformative power in your life.

2025 is an opportunity to live with intention, leaving behind a divided life for one that is whole, connected, and filled with God’s grace. Together, let’s walk this journey of redemption and restoration, carrying the torch of undivided triumph into every aspect of our lives.

This year, choose love over lust, connection over isolation, and grace over shame. Let your story be a testament to the power of God’s redemptive love—a light for others who are searching for hope in the darkness.

You were made for more. Let’s claim it together.

Fight the good fight.

- Mac aka Porn Free Millennial